And wouldn’t it be cool if women felt so comfortable with you… before even meeting you… that they’d tell you things like this:
But let’s not stop there.
Imagine if women enjoyed being with you so much…. on a first date… that they’d say something to you like this:
“You’re like a magnet. This is dangerous for me… I’ve never met someone who’s intelligent, funny, can really hold a conversation, and I’m attracted to in a way I haven’t felt in years.”
That’s what a woman said to a client of mine after their first date.
And imagine making women so excited to meet you again that they send you texts like this:
So, how do you do this? How do you make women on Tinder attracted to you like this?
Well, it’s actually easier than you think.
You see, all of these amazing things happen automatically when you create a connection with women.
Now, let me just say that’s it’s completely okay if you don’t know how to connect with women right now. At first I didn’t know how to either.
For two years it meant that I failed and never got as much as a kiss.
But then I discovered a simple strategy and now I connect deeply with women from Tinder and get dates and hookups with 3 messages.
This simple strategy is so effective I wrote this Tinder guide to show you exactly how it’s done. I’ve even laid out word-for-word scripts you can copy.
Considering the millions and millions of women who use dating apps today, it’s no stretch to say Tinder is your shot at the woman of your dreams.
I want you to have as much fun dating as I’ve had, and as much fun as the clients I coach do. So, today I’ll introduce you to this world with my guide to Tinder dating.
The 5 “Miracles” of Connection
Here’s what’s going to happen when you learn how to connect deeply with women.
Miracle #1: You Suddenly Become Magnetic
When you create a meaningful connection with a woman, she won’t just think you’re nice. She won’t just like you.
She will really like you intimately and romantically, in an emotional gut-level kind of way.
(That means no getting thrown in to the friend-zone)
She might want a long-term relationship with you, a passionate hookup with you, or anything in-between. Whatever it is, she will be deeply attracted to you.
Sometimes that’ll mean SHE chases YOU for dates and hookups.
Miracle #2: You Do LESS and Get Back MORE
Instead of needing 20 messages to get a woman from Tinder out on a date, a connection means it’ll only take you three.
And instead of having a strike rate of 1/10, the ability to create a connection means at least 8/10 women will want to go out with you.
Miracle #3: You Can Say “I Expect Success!”
The biggest mistake you can make with Tinder dating is to “hope” there’s going to be chemistry with a woman.
Hoping means that you know sometimes good things happen to you, but you don’t expect them to happen.
If you’re hoping to attract a woman, but lose her, you might think to yourself:
“There wasn’t anything between us. We weren’t compatible”.
“I wasn’t good enough for her.”
Listen closely: It’s not true! You are good enough and the chemistry is there.
Here’s the truth: if you match with a woman on Tinder (and assuming that she’s actively on Tinder) you can grow a deep enough connection with her at least eight times out of ten.
Let me repeat that for emphasis – at least 8/10 women you match with have potential for an amazing first date.
Then when you’re on that date, you can fully explore just how far that connection and chemistry goes. Occasionally that connection won’t go far and that’s okay. But most of the time the magic you find will surprise you.
The truth is you really don’t have to hope. You can stop thinking of it as “getting lucky.”
You can say “I expect success!” and be in control of the outcome.
Listen, one day you’re going to come across your dream woman. Maybe it’s on Tinder, or maybe it’s in-person when you least expect it.
Whenever and wherever it is, it will happen.
And when that time comes, I don’t want you to miss out on her because you weren’t ready. Because all you had was hope. Or because all you could do was “try your luck.”
I don’t want you to lose her forever when you could have easily created something amazing together.
Most importantly, I don’t want HER to miss out on YOU… because HER life will be less without you in it.
Miracle #4: You Will Enjoy Dating
For a lot of guys the outcome of dating is great (hookups, girlfriends, etc.), but the actual process of dating sucks: Finding, meeting, and attracting women is the “hard” part.
It feels like a battle. Like a war that’s being fought against resistance.
Here’s the thing: When you can create meaningful connections with women this all changes instantly. There is no “hard” part. There is no war.
Instead of feeling like a soldier battling to win against a Tinder enemy that’s trying to kill you, you feel like an explorer who’s always on an adventure. Every journey is an exciting one that takes you somewhere worthwhile.
When you’re creating meaningful connections the entire process of dating is just as enjoyable as the outcome, and you make it ten times more enjoyable for every woman you interact with.
Miracle #5: Your Entire Life Becomes Brighter
Remember what it’s like when you were a kid trying to get to sleep on Christmas Eve?
Deep inside of you was that special feeling of anticipation. It was as if tomorrow can’t come quick enough. Like you can’t wait to wake up and get tomorrow started.
This is what a meaningful connection feels like.
It’s not about going through the motions. It’s not about dating or hooking up with women that you merely think are “okay.”
It’s about truly enjoying the kind of woman (or women) you really like, and creating something special and exciting together.
It gives you something to look forward to when you’re at work, when you’re studying, when you might otherwise have been thinking “is this all there is to life?”
A meaningful connection brightens up your entire life.
And not to forget, SHE will feel the exact same desire and excitement for YOU.
Now, let’s get into it so you can experience all this for yourself!
The 7 Ingredients of Deep Connection (and Attraction)
You can’t say to a woman “Hey you! Take notice of how awesome I am!”
It doesn’t work like that, does it?
You can’t force her to notice it. She has to discover it and think it herself.
But here’s the thing: although you can’t control what someone thinks, you can control precisely what someone thinks about, and that’s practically as good.
“Always remember, your focus determines your reality.” – George Lucas
So when you’re interacting with a woman, the first and most basic thing you want to do is make sure that what she’s focusing on is favorable to growing your connection.
Basically, you want to inject all the amazing “ingredients” into your interaction and keep away from the bad ingredients.
You see, every interaction has the potential to be good or bad, it all depends on what’s in focus:
It seems simple but a lot of guys don’t do this ― they fail with women because they fill their interactions with the wrong ingredients.
So how do you make sure you’re injecting all the amazing ingredients? You do it by what I call being FOCUSED…
FOCUSED stands for the seven ingredients that will help you build deep connections with women on Tinder and first dates.
I’ll describe each item briefly now, then explain them to you in detail through the rest of this guide.
F for Future. Talk about meeting up and do it right away.
O for Openness. Promote a kind of comfort that feels like home, for both you and her.
C for Commonality. Seek out and highlight common ground.
U for Unity. Instead of YOU and HER, it should be WE/US/OUR.
S for Sharing. Share stories, experiences, moments, and memories with her. Sharing also means gifting your awesomeness.
E for Emotion. Evoke the right feelings and emotions and you’ll never have to chase a woman again.
D for Depth. Go deep. Explore personally revealing topics.
If you inject these seven ingredients into Tinder conversations and first dates you’ll be able to fully explore your connection with any woman… and as a result, you’ll have more dating success than you can possibly imagine.
This system has created extraordinary results for me and my clients over the years, and can do the same for you.
Let’s look at these seven ingredients in detail.
Map Your Future
How many Tinder conversations do you have that go nowhere fast?
For example, you might ask a woman about what music she likes, what she does for work, or what sports she’s into.
Things go okay for a while, but after a few of these random topics the conversation dries up and you don’t know what to say next.
This aimless conversation makes it feel like there’s no chemistry, doesn’t it?
Well, what you should do instead is map a path to exactly where you want to go.
To put it another way, you should create a compelling story about meeting up in the future and going on a date together.
Here’s an example of creating a story like that where I’m talking about having a first date at an art gallery:
It’s such a tiny thing, but this future destination changes everything!
It means you’re no longer chatting on Tinder for the hell of it.
Your path is mapped and there’s meaning and purpose to what you’re both doing – in this case, you’re on your way to a flirty first date at an art gallery.
Just like anything in life, when you have a specific goal and when you can visualize that destination, then getting there becomes a lot easier.
“Everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality.” – Robin Sharma
That’s why we don’t rely on luck for women to see it. We don’t hope that women can imagine meeting up with us and having a great time. We don’t hope that they’re thinking the same as us.
Instead, we make certain that it happens by deliberately crafting the meet up story we want.
Before you know it, everything will fall into place and you’ll be meeting up just like you mapped out.
The way you map your future destination is with something I call Date-Talk.
It’s really easy. All you do is talk about your date so the story of your first date builds itself.
Here’s an example: Alicia and I were talking about going on a brunch date so I asked her where her favorite cafe was. She didn’t answer, but we (I) built the story from there:
The way you talk about a date will depend on your own style and personality, and will also be tailored to the women you’re talking to. But basically you’re just covering these three questions:
Where is your date going to take place?
What are you going to be doing on your date?
What are you going to be feeling on your date?
Even if it’s hypothetical, even if it’s playful, even if it’s ridiculous banter, date-talk will have a remarkable impact on her.
You’ll be stretching her mind and emotions to the point where going on a date with you isn’t a big IF or MAYBE, it becomes a definite WHEN.
That’s a big deal. It means she now expects to meet up with you and expects to have a great time.
“The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Here are three other reasons why Date-Talk is so powerful on Tinder:
1. Date-Talk Makes You Rejection-Proof
Did you notice that Date-Talk isn’t asking her out? That’s important.
Date-talk isn’t saying to her “Decide and commit to our date right now.” It’s not slamming her in the face with a “Will you go out with me?”
It’s sidling up gently beside her and saying “Let’s explore the possibility.”
That’s the cool thing about this approach – it’s simply a topic of conversation so it makes you completely rejection-proof.
2. Date-Talk Makes You Stand Out and be Memorable to Women
Watch this 40 second video clip below. You’ll remember it for the next five years without even trying:
Why is this video so unforgettable?
It’s because stories are what we remember best. It’s how our brains are wired.
So when you use Date-Talk to create a story about meeting up with a woman you make yourself deeply memorable to her.
But even better than that: You make the awesomeness you and her share together memorable.
These are two of the most important factors when it comes to connecting with women.
When a woman remembers you — and the fun she has with you — more than any other guy on Tinder, then you put yourself in a position of power and privilege.
3. Date-Talk is The Flirtiest Topic there is on Tinder
There is no other topic that’s more exciting and interesting than discussing your first date together.
Best of all, you can do it with any woman.
Even if she has nothing in her bio, even if her pictures are boring, even if you’re not feeling creative, you can always have a flirty Tinder conversation with a woman simply by talking about your date.
So raise Date-Talk early. Within the first few messages. If you do that your Tinder success will skyrocket.
Conquer Elevator Moments
“Watch carefully the magic that occurs when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves.” – Atticus
If a guy only ever learns this one skill his schedule will always be full of dates.
But what is openness?
Think of being at home with your loved ones, feeling free to talk and be as you like with no fear of being judged.
This is openness.
What’s the opposite?
It’s like when we’re in an elevator with strangers: We don’t face each other and we rarely make eye contact or speak. We look at the ground, our phones, the buttons on the wall, or the floor number counting up and down.
An elevator full of strangers is uncomfortable and stuffy.
To be successful at creating connections quickly, you need to be able to turn elevator environments (bad) into home-like environments (good) quickly.
In other words, you want to create sense of openness for both yourself and for the women you’re interacting with.
Sometimes in an elevator full of strangers there’ll be one courageous person. He or she will say something that pierces the silence. It’s like a crack of lightening that suddenly makes everyone light up and start talking freely.
It’s the same when it comes to meeting women from Tinder for the first time – you’re always able to make an instant transformation.
This skill of promoting openness with a woman is one of the most powerful tools in creating attraction and connection.
That’s because it’s in this completely open, authentic, trusting, non-judgmental environment that people feel free to be themselves. This is fertile ground where your connection will grow like crazy.
How to be Great by Being Refreshingly Open
The results of this kind of open communication are phenomenal to say the least. Here’s an example of how powerful refreshing openness can be:
Graham Chapman, a member of the infamous Monty Python died in October 1989. Below is a clip from his funeral where comedy legend John Cleese is giving a tribute to his former colleague.
This has to be seen to be believed.
I don’t want you to be good when it comes to attracting the kind of women you want. I want you to be great.
If I can help you capture a tiny portion of John Cleese’s refreshing communication and use it to your Tinder dating advantage, you will succeed in being great.
Openness on Tinder
Here’s how a guy will create a “feels like an elevator” sense of openness on Tinder:
- He timidly starts the conversation with “Hi,” “Hey,” or “How are you?”
- He doesn’t let the woman know what he likes about her. And if she gives him a compliment, he puts his head down, shuffles his feet, and responds to her in an “aww shucks” kind of way.
- He tip-toes around the desire they both have to meet up. If he does talk about going on a date, it isn’t until the very last moment possible, and by that time it’s more of a “desperate pleading” instead of “fun exploration.”
Here’s how you’re going to create a “feels like home” sense of openness on Tinder:
- You’re going to serve up the conversation warm from the start: interact with the freedom and openness as though you’re already way beyond the “getting to know you” introductions. Or better yet, start as though you’re good friends who are in the middle of a great conversation.
- You’re going to be courageous by openly stating what you like about her. And you’re going to be confident enough to know that she’s just as attracted to you as you are to her.
- You’re going to give yourself permission to let that unique “silly” part of your personality be seen. Especially when everyone else around you is doing the complete opposite.
- You’re going to be calm and aware, picking up all the “come hither” signals she’s giving you. Then you’re going to make her feel well-served by acting on them promptly.
- You’re going to be a man with a plan and confidently explore the topic of your future meetup (Date Talk).
This last point about openly exploring the topic of your date is key.
Here are some examples of the kind of responses you often get after you freely talk about your date on Tinder:
Remember: you’re both on Tinder because you want to meet people. You both matched which means you both find each other attractive. It’s safe to assume that a date (or at least a meet up of some sort) is what you’re both there to talk about.
Do you enjoy women who are refreshingly open and honest?
How to Make Women Like You More
Have you ever asked a woman to describe her perfect kind of guy?
What you’ll notice is that most of the time a girl’s perfect guy is someone who is similar to herself.
This isn’t a coincidence. The fact is we like people who are similar to us.
So what you want to be doing at every opportunity is highlighting the commonalities you share with a woman. You want to show that you’re similar to her.
As a result, you’ll be helping her see that you might be the perfect guy for her and she’ll like you a lot more.
In the next chapter of this guide you’ll learn the “flirting formula” so you can do this with any woman, any time.
How to Flirt and Tease on Tinder
Here’s a question I receive constantly – it’s something a lot of guys on Tinder struggle with:
How do I flirt/tease over Tinder? I can do this in a bar easily, but I have difficulty doing this online since its just text. My conversations tend to be somewhat logical, so even if they’re interesting, I feel that women usually aren’t that attracted by it.
Firstly, the best way to flirt on Tinder is with date-talk. No doubt about it. If you simply start talking about going on a great first date together it’s almost impossible not to flirt and create enormous amounts of anticipation.
Of course, you already know about this from the earlier part of the guide.
So let me tell you another way you can flirt and tease over Tinder (or in person) while highlighting something you have in common with a woman.
I call it the Flirting Formula or the 3C Flirting Formula:
Commonality + Compliment + Challenge = Flirtatious Tinder Chemistry
Here’s what’s involved.
- Step 1. Search her Tinder profile pictures or bio text for a commonality you can highlight
- Step 2. Create a compliment related to that commonality.
- Step 3. Create a playful challenge that’s related to the commonality and the compliment.
Let me give you an example to make sure.
Suppose that one of your hobbies is cycling and you match with a woman on Tinder who also likes cycling. Her bio says something like this:
And she also has a picture of herself posing on a bike during a casual ride – something like this:
You both have a hobby in common. That’s great.
Now, you could start the conversation by saying “Hey, I like cycling too. Where do you ride?”
That’s a decent open-ended question to start off. Not bad. But the downside is that there’s no flirtatious chemistry being created and it feels a little forced.
Can you see the 3C’s in action here?
Commonality = We both enjoy cycling
Compliment = Her great legs
Challenge = Try and keep up with me
Now you’re doing an awesome job at saying “Look! We’re similar!” but in a natural and flirty kind of way.
This playful teasing is also great at creating chemistry and helping the two of you focus on the future by creating a story.
No matter what woman you come across on Tinder you can almost always use the 3C’s to highlight a commonality and flirt.
Is your Tinder match a runner, like you? You could use the flirting formula in much the same way as the cycling message to have the same effect:
If you enjoy surfing and the woman has a picture of herself surfing, you could compliment her on the wave she caught and add a friendly challenge. The result will be similar to this:
Let’s say you match with a woman and notice from her profile that she’s well-educated and likes to play board games, just like you. How about saying:
“[Her Name], I’m impressed that you have a Ph.D. in ___. I just hope that a high achiever like you can still lose gracefully when we play Scrabble… ;)”
Highlighting similarities with the flirting formula can rapidly create a bond between you and any woman.
Ultimately, the flirting formula will make women feel more excited about you and like you a lot more.
He’s nice. But I’m not interested.
When a woman first matches with you on Tinder, this is how she sees things:
She views you as a stranger. Someone who’s distant, unfamiliar and not at all part of her world.
That isn’t good enough, is it? We want her… We NEED her… to see you as someone who’s much closer than that.
Seeing you as a guy that’s a little closer will look like this:
Now, this “coming together” will happen naturally over the course of talking on Tinder. It’ll happen by exchanging pieces of information like:
- What you both do for work
- Where you both studied
- Where you both live
- How you’re both feeling (i.e. asking “How are you?”)
- What you did on the weekend or what you’re doing next weekend
In fact, just talking about anything at all – even boring small talk– will make her see you as someone who’s not a complete stranger.
Now, “closer” is okay. It’s fine if you want to be a friendly acquaintance, but…
Closer is still NOWHERE NEAR what you can achieve. Closer is NOT going to make her feel deeply attracted to you.
Closer makes her think “Oh, he’s nice. But I’m not interested.”
And it’s definitely not going to make her connect deeply with you.
So what’s the next level up? When does a woman feel intimately connected with you?
It’s when she feels united with you.
In the next chapter you’ll find out why unity is the incredible game-changing position you want to be in.
How to Get Any Date, Hookup, or Relationship You’ll Ever Want
Winnie the Pooh: You’re just in time for the best part of the day!
Christopher Robin: And what time is that?
Winnie the Pooh: When you and me become we.
When you follow what you’ve learned in this guide and stay FOCUSED, you will experience an incredible result. Women will see you like this:
Instead of seeing you as a guy that’s strange and separate from herself, she starts to link herself to you.
In his incredible book, Pre-Suasion: A Revolutionary Way to Influence and Persuade, Dr Robert Cialdini explains this overlap process makes people “feel at one with, merged with, the others.”
Basically, it means that there’s such a strong sense of unity that the brain gets confused and treats “We” (You and Her) the same as “Me” (Herself).
This is sense of unity that she feels for you has the ability to unlock any date, any hookup, or any relationship that you’ll ever want.
When you can create a “We” situation there is no uphill battle in attracting a woman. You won’t need to convince her to go on a date because she’s already interested in you.
In fact, she’ll likely chase YOU for a date!
Here’s the super-interesting thing about connection on Tinder
That sense of we-ness she feels with you — her connection she feels with you — leaves “footprints” in your Tinder conversations.
Take notice of these clues and you’ll literally be able to know how a woman feels about you, even if she doesn’t say it directly… and even if she doesn’t consciously know it herself.
What happens is that she will begin using those special words “We”, “Us” and “Our” in your Tinder conversation, as well as a few other joining words like “Pair” and “Team.”
She does it because she feels connected with you and feels the overlap.
As you can see below, when things are going well, words like We/Us/Our/Team/Pair can often be found nearby.
Now, this obviously isn’t a hard and fast rule as every conversation is different. You don’t want to celebrate just because you see one “we” or “our” in your conversation. But, it’s very rare to see these unifying words if a woman isn’t really interested in you so it’s a pretty solid guideline to follow.
Now that you know what to look for you should be able to pinpoint the moment a woman has begun to really feel connected with you, whether that’s on Tinder, on a first date, or out at a bar.
Being able to identify these clues will give you a big boost of confidence on Tinder – you’ll be 100% confident in getting her number then setting up a date because you’ll know she’s connected and attracted to you.
The “Obama Technique” That Will Make People Like You More
This next technique is another simple way to encourage unity.
I call it Linguistic Linking.
The name sounds fancy, but it’s actually a really simple technique. It is about using those magic We/Us/Our joining words as much as possible when you’re with someone you want to unite with.
An excellent example of Linguistic Linking is pointed out by Dr. Kevin Dutton in Flipnosis – in Barack Obama’s 2009 inauguration speech, he injecected those three simple yet powerful linking words “We”, “Us” and “Our” a total of 155 times in 18 minutes.
Watch just a minute or two of his speech below and you’ll see just how much he emphasizes the sense of we-ness.
When you use Linguistic Linking it’s almost impossible not to talk in a united and intimate kind of way with a woman.
It’s like if I challenged you to get angry at someone using only kind words – it’d be very hard to do because the words we use matter a lot.
So start sprinkling we/us/our through all of your conversations, like this:
It seems like a tiny thing, but you’ll notice this simple tweak completely changes the way you interact with women on Tinder, and the way they interact with you.
Secret Connection Codewords
Think about a romantic couple you know who are really connected to each other – maybe it’s your friend who just started dating someone, maybe it’s your grandparents who’ve been married for 40+ years, or maybe it was you with your ex-girlfriend.
What you’ll notice about a lot of deeply connected couples like these is that they have little nicknames or pet names for each other.
Some of those pet nicknames are generic, like babe or sweetie, but a lot of pet names have stories behind them.
Here are some examples of pet names with stories behind them:
These nicknames are playful and flirty, but they’re also using a memory technique called chunking.
“FOCUSED” is an example of chunking. You can understand it without me having to explain it every time.
Nicknames like Beeb and Mouse work the same way.
They capture an entire We/Us/Our story that’s full of emotion, significance and meaning and neatly wrap it up into a special code word.
That special code word and all the meaning behind it then becomes carved into their memory like initials into a tree.
The best part? One word is all that’s needed to trigger the feel-good feelings and emotions from the story.
And by using use their code word they’re basically saying “We’re so connected we have our own language.”
How You Can Use The Power of Nicknames
On a first Tinder date, or second or third Tinder date, you can create a nickname for an “in-joke” or a story of a shared experienced.
There’s no need to force it. Just keep aware of the funny, unique, and interesting events, and conversations that happen between the two of you.
Then you simply repeat those pet nicknames in a playful way throughout the date and later on when you’re texting her. It will immediately start to turn “You + Me” into “We” so she feels deeply attracted to you.
Now, if you go on a first date and have a terrible conversation, does this mean you can make up cute nicknames for each other and everything will be fine and dandy?
Of course not.
Nicknames are like hammering a nail into a piece of wood – if the wood is weak or rotten, it’s useless. If the underlying story is weak, nicknames won’t do a thing.
But when there are rich emotions and interesting stories to dig into, the effect of a nickname can be amazing. They can build a connection and help keep it strong for years… even a lifetime.
The Little Island Game
Another unifying technique is a flirty and playful conversation game that I call The Little Island Game. It always leaves women laughing, and occasionally blushing.
Basically, it’s a game where the guy and the girl create an imaginary story about having an amazing time together on a deserted island.
This game sounds silly… And it is. But it’s fun and works like crazy.
After playing The Little Island Game with a woman one evening, the next day she sent this message:
As you can see, the game created a sticky memory in the woman’s mind and resulted in HER chasing HIM.
She literally wanted him ASAP (at 3:30pm on a weekday) so she could go back to that fun and exciting island she enjoyed with him the night before.
Pretty cool, huh?! That’s what Unity (and codewords) can do for you.
Remember at the start how I explained that even though you’re an awesome guy, some women just don’t see it?
Well, when you learn to connect with a woman she’ll see your awesomeness instantly. And she’ll want more of you.
Imagine how great it’s going to be having women chasing you for a date or chasing you to go to their place, instead of the other way around.
1. use, occupy, or enjoy (something) jointly with another or others.
2. give a portion of (something) to another or others.
Both of these definitions of sharing are very important in creating a meaningful connection.
Firstly, you want to share a variety of experiences jointly with women you’re connecting with. Especially these:
Feeling emotion together, eating together, moving together, co-creating, learning together, losing together, and conquering together
Sharing these synchronizing experiences with women will help build a powerful sense of togetherness and closeness. Wherever possible you want to take up these opportunities.
Here are some specific examples of how you could be sharing in these powerful experiences while on a first date or while dating:
- Learning to salsa dance together
- Hiking a beautiful mountain together
- Watching a powerfully emotive movie together
- Working on a fun or challenging project together
The second part of sharing is about giving the gift of your awesomeness to a woman. This is where the magic really happens, and is what we’ll explore in the next few chapters.
The Gift of Giving Your Awesomeness
Anthony Robbins, the successful self-help author who has worked with Serena Williams, Hugh Jackman, and Oprah Winfrey, revealed the best piece of advice he received:
This is true for attraction and women just as much as anything else. Your success with women is in proportion to the perceived value that you offer.
This value you provide isn’t just beneficial to women. It’s best for everyone, especially YOU.
Some guys do the complete opposite. They’re only concerned about what they can take for themselves and constantly leave women worse off.
At some conscious or subconscious level, guys like this know that they’re a liability to women they come into contact with. And in the end, this destroys their own self-esteem and self-worth.
They’re fine in the short-term, but it catches up with them eventually.
The alternative is to constantly add value to a woman’s life in some way. This is what makes your self-worth and confidence grow sky high.
That’s because deep, deep down, you will know that any woman that comes into your life is fortunate because you’re going to have a positive impact on her life. Or at the very least, you’ll do your best to.
Imagine meeting a woman on a first date with this attitude – it’s almost impossible not to show up with a vibrant and confident energy about you. Everything you do and say will ooze self-belief.
It all starts with the mindset of adding value to their lives.
In what ways can you add value?
What is the gift you can give? How can you share your awesomeness and make a positive impact in a woman’s life?
It could be as simple as brightening her day by making her smile or giving her a unique compliment.
Maybe you take her on an amazing Tinder first date that she’ll remember fondly for a long time.
Or help her fulfill an experience she is seeking, like an incredible night of passion and fun.
Perhaps you’ll help her create memories of a weekend away filled with adventure.
Maybe it’s listening deeply. Teaching her something or learning a new skill together. Helping her tick off something on her bucket list. Perhaps even something as important as supporting her to achieve her life goals.
Whatever suits your awesomeness, whatever fits in with your desires to help, whatever you think she will value – do it to the best of your ability. Take pride in it, like a skilled craftsman takes pride in every piece of work he does.
And very importantly, do it all without expecting anything in return. There’s magic in that.
Your awesomeness is in you, ready and waiting to make an impact. The only thing you need to do is make the choice to share it every single chance you get.
What adding value does not mean
Adding value does not mean blindly complying with every request someone makes.
It does not mean relinquishing your own value and self-worth and handing it over. It does not mean muting your inner voice.
Put simply: adding value does not mean letting anyone walk over you.
When you are adding value the right way, it adds value to your life as well as theirs. It makes you feel great, as well as them. Every single time.
So are you adding value?
Perhaps you are already adding value, in which case you already know how powerful it can be.
If not, or if you can do more, I challenge you to start continuously sharing your gift of awesomeness at every opportunity. That means every Tinder conversation and every date.
The more value you add time and time again, without any expectation of getting anything in return, the more you’ll realize what you have to offer.
You will 100% BELIEVE that you’re a great guy that women must get to know because you will be that great guy. This confidence and self-worth will also flow into other areas of your life.
By adding value you are a man of value. You value yourself, and women value you.
This is a highly unusual approach. Not many men play at this level so women will notice you immediately.
You’ll stand out and connect with women on whole new level. You’ll be the guy who delivers what other guys only promise.
All it takes is a choice. Add value by sharing your awesomeness, and do it without expecting anything in return. Your dating life will be transformed to a level you can’t even imagine.
The Simple Gift That Will Make Women Like You More
A simple gift that will make women like you more is a good compliment, and it’s a great place to start sharing your awesomeness.
Tinder knows this and tells us constantly:
How to Compliment Women on Tinder (or on a First Date)
At the very least your compliment should be:
- Sincere – something you genuinely admire or find attractive about her.
Then, to make the biggest impact, your compliment should ideally be:
- Unique – a compliment she’s never received before or explained in a way she’s never heard before. Something that can only come from you.
- Deep – when possible, target her core personality and deeper emotions.
For example, here’s a simple compliment I gave a woman who seemed to take pride in being kind and friendly:
The woman below had a Tinder profile revealing that she works in the arts, has a creative personality, and included pictures of her dressed in unique outfits:
And here’s a compliment I gave a woman who had a picture of her dressed as Catwoman:
Almost all compliments will make women feel more drawn to you and like you more.
But it’s best to avoid using generic physical compliments like you’re hot or you’re stunning. Women receive these empty compliments over and over from guys on Tinder.
A guy who says these kind of things is immediately revealing that he is no different than any other guy on Tinder. He is telling a woman that he has no worth that cannot be easily found elsewhere.
But most of all, he’s missing out on gifting a powerful feeling that comes with a good compliment: making her feel unique and worthy of special attention.
“We are unanimous in the pride we take in good and genuine compliments paid us, in distinctions conferred upon us, in attentions shown us. There is not one of us, from the emperor down, but is made like that.” – Mark Twain
The Best Compliment
When people remember the best compliment they’ve ever received, the ones that stand out are usually the ones which make them feel unique and special.
Here are some examples from people on Reddit recalling the best compliment they’ve ever received:
Not only do people remember good compliments for years after, they also remember the person who gifted it to them.
There’s a lesson in that.
There is no doubt about it, a well-gifted compliment is a tool that can bring you massive success in dating.
Your Job Is to Make Her Feel
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – MAYA ANGELOU
Emotion is the difference between you chasing women vs them pursuing you.
Here’s a parable that explains that concept of creating deep desire:
A young Salesperson was disappointed. He had lost an important sale.
In discussing the matter with the Sales Manager, the young man shrugged. “I guess,” he said, “it just proves you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.”
“Son,” said the Sales Manager, “let me give you a piece of advice: your job is not to make him drink. It’s to make him thirsty.”
So keeping that in mind, what’s your job on Tinder and on first dates?
Your job is not just to show a woman that you’re kind and dependable. It is to help her feel trust.
Your job is not just to use words and topics to have great conversation. It is to use words and topics to help her feel great while she’s conversing with you.
Your job is not to point out why you’re different from other guys. It is to give her a different emotional experience when she’s with you.
You see, the magic of creating a deep connection isn’t really in what you do or say, it’s in what you make her feel.
Strike the Heart
Tansel Ali is a world leading memory expert. He’s famously known for memorizing two yellow pages phone books in one day, which works out to be around 2,300 business names and numbers.
When I was learning how to be memorable and connect with people I had the pleasure of being coached by Tansel.
He taught me a lot of amazing techniques that went far beyond remembering someone’s name or how to memorize a shuffled deck of cards. We went deep and explored the art of personal connection.
One of the overarching principles, as explained by Tansel, was this: if something or someone is to connect and be memorable, it has to strike the heart. Not just the brain.
Let me repeat his words for emphasis:
It has to strike the heart. Not just the brain.
As analytical guys we tend to evaluate situations from the brain side of things and forget about the “heart” (the emotional side of things).
That’s an extremely valuable trait in some areas, like business, but not for connection and dating.
From a logical perspective it might make perfect sense for women to like you and to want to date you. But that logic isn’t enough. You also need to make sense to women from an emotional perspective.
The only way that can be done is by striking the heart and making women feel the right kind of emotions.
That’s when the magic happens.
Here’s an example of the effect this can have. It’s a text I received from a woman after our second date, after staying FOCUSED like I’m teaching you in this guide:
It goes to show what a deep connection can do for you.
Shallow vs Deep
A shallow connection, or none at all, might still get you a date. She might think “Okay, I’ll go on a date with you” or “Sure, let’s hang out again.”
A deep and meaningful connection makes her feel “I can’t wait to meet you” and “I can’t wait to see you again.”
The difference between these two are enormous and powerful.
One is head-level thinking, the other is gut-level feeling. One is going through the motions, the other is acting on pure desire.
She Kept Trying to Kiss Me
One of my clients is an aerospace engineer – a highly analytical kind of guy – who was struggling to get his head around dating.
When he came to me he was doing a lot of good things on Tinder and first dates but he wasn’t striking the heart of women.
So I coached him to become more aware of the emotions he was making women feel and and how to evoke the right feelings. From that point on it all changed for him.
Here’s what he said about a recent first date he had and the result of this new approach:
“I was planning to end the date with a side kiss, but we had such a deep connection, she kept trying to kiss me and by the third time, I just went with it. At the end of the date she also stated that in over two years she has not felt such a passionate connection with someone.”
That’s what you can achieve by striking the heart.
Creating Emotion on Tinder Using Mystery
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious” – Albert Einstein
A couple of the best emotions you can use on Tinder are suspense and anticipation. They both arise when you inject a little mystery into your conversation.
It’s a pretty easy way to get women on Tinder to focus on you, because all you need to do is use a technique called creating “unfinished business.”
Basically, this technique is about creating an “open loop” that women feels the need to close. It could be anything like:
- An incomplete story
- An unsolved problem
- An unanswered question
Here’s an example of how it can be used on Tinder with one of the higher performing Tinder openers I’ve created – the Siri opener:
Even if the mystery from the opener is only a little bit intriguing, there’s a need to get closure by investigating further and replying to you:
Mystery increases her focus on you, and ultimately, increases your prospects of getting a date:
Unfinished business has proven to be incredibly powerful at capturing the attention of women – so much so that “they can hardly think of anything else.”
(This is why we fall for Clickbait – it creates an open loop that plays on our minds until we get closure.)
The desire to get closure over unfinished business is more than enough to tilt the table in your favor and improve your Tinder results dramatically.
Later in this guide I’ll be giving you the best mystery-creating conversation starter there is and show you how to use it to get a date from Tinder in three messages.
Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
When we talk to a woman on Tinder or go on a first date we want to make a good impression.
We don’t want to say the wrong thing. We don’t want to seem weird or silly. We don’t want to offend her and turn her off.
Most of all, we want to feel comfortable.
Basically, our natural instincts make us “play it safe” and be nice. So on Tinder we feel like asking pleasant and comfortable questions like:
- How are you?
- How was your day?
- What do you do for work?
- What do you major in?
- What are you up to this weekend?
And on first dates, we gravitate to topics like:
- The weather
- The venue
We small-talk. We do it because it’s a comfortable option and because we think we’re being polite.
Now, small-talk can be helpful at times, but ultimately it’s terrible for connection and becoming memorable.
That’s because small-talk topics are usually bland, useless and all too common.
And if you don’t actively look after your “garden” then these small-talk weeds will pop up everywhere, take over, and ruin your chemistry with women.
The fact is, to create a deep connection you need to have deep conversation.
The Conversational Onion
Think of conversation like an onion. On the outside are the light and easy topics. On the inside are the deeper and self-revealing topics:
Getting stuck in that first or second layer is why a woman will say: “He was nice, but there wasn’t any chemistry.”
Of course there was no chemistry – it’s because the conversation didn’t give chemistry a chance!
The world-renowned behavioral scientist I mentioned before, Dan Ariely, did an experiment with MIT students on this exact issue.
He found that generally, people who use online dating didn’t present themselves as interesting, all because they stayed in their conversational comfort zone (the boring zone).
By trying to be nice, they ruined any chance of creating attraction.
STAYING IN THE “SAFE” OUTER ZONE IS ACTUALLY A RISK TO CREATING A CONNECTION
Sure, a little small-talk won’t do any harm. It’s even necessary and beneficial in certain situations.
But if you want to impress women on Tinder or on a first date, if you want to be interesting and connect deeply, then you must not get stuck in “safe” topics.
You need to get comfortable being uncomfortable.
You need to be able to move from small talk to something deeper, more exploratory, and more challenging. The impact this can have on your success is instant.
Bringing an Anxious Guy Out of His Shell
Here’s an example of what deep conversation can do. It comes from a guy who came to me because he was struggling to talk to women.
After teaching him about deeper conversation and how to use it on a first date this is what happened:
I followed your advice, and even though I was quite nervous to begin with (she was a lot prettier than her pictures!!), I think it went extremely well! We’ve had a second date already, and I think it really has potential!
So thank you very much for bringing an anxious person out of his shell, and out of his comfort zone!
This guy now understands that going deep brings out the best in himself and also showcases the chemistry he has with women.
It will do the same for you as well.
To Fall In Love on a Tinder First Date, Do This…
If having deep and interesting conversation is the way to go, then what do you actually talk about? What questions should you ask her?
Well, imagine if you had a special list of Tinder first date questions you could ask a woman that would make her feel deeply connected with you. A secret weapon of sorts.
And imagine if this special list of questions would make her feel so connected to you that she’d fall in love with you within an hour.
You’d really, really, really want this list wouldn’t you?
Well, such a list does exist.
A number of years ago a group of psychologist performed an experiment to see if they could create “closeness” between two people by using a list of 36 questions.
The amazing thing is that it worked. Six months after the experiment two of the participants ended up getting married.
Many years later a lady named Mandy Len Catron famously followed this list of 36 first date questions. She ended up falling in love with the man she went on a date with.
36 Questions To Fall In Love on a Tinder First Date
Here’s that list of questions that helps foster intimacy on a first date (and could possibly make women fall in love with you).
Read this list and get a feel for how the questions start off on the outside of the onion and go deeper. These are the type of questions and discussions that create connection.
(The questions are broken into three different sets. Each set starts off a little shallow, then builds depth)
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Can you see how these questions can easily create closeness?
They’re progressively challenging. They’re slightly uncomfortable. They dig deep.
They promote future visions, openness and honesty, seek out common ground, encourage unity, sharing, emotion, and depth. They are FOCUSED.
Watch the short video below where two people on a blind date undertake a similar process of engaging in meaningful conversation. You’ll see the true emotional power and connection that comes from going deep – the end result is pretty amazing.
Did you notice how they started on the outside of the conversational onion and slowly moved deeper? It really does give an impressive result.
And did you pick up the interesting thing she said at the very end? She said “Wow, nice meeting you. It was super fun and every emotion I’ve ever had in my whole entire life was just focused on that stage right now.”
So back to that list of 36 questions – what are you supposed to do with it? Do you just print it out on a piece of A4 paper, bring it to your date, and ask the questions one by one like you’re in the experiment?
Well, even though it sounds silly, you could, and it would help your closeness enormously. But you don’t have to – there are more natural ways to go about it.
The better option is to have a handful of these deeper questions memorized then ask them when there’s an appropriate window in conversation.
Or better yet, get a feel for the spirit of these questions and use them as a guide for exploring each other’s personalities. Create your own similar questions when you’re there in the moment on your first date.
When you go deep on a first date you can create consistently powerful connections like you saw in the video.
That means you never have to “hope” or rely on luck for a date to go well – you can make it happen time after time.
How do I Avoid the Friend-Zone Without Coming Off as a Jerk?
Here’s an email I received from a successful businessman who said he was almost always getting friend-zoned:
I haven’t been in a relationship in 5-6 years (have gone out on dates but they never converted to anything) because my priorities were different at that time. I’m completely out of the game when it comes to relationships.
I just started using Tinder and I’m happy to say I have a date with an amazing girl scheduled this Saturday. I think she’s there to just meet up as buddies, but I want to see if she’d be interested to talk about being in a relationship.
My biggest problem till now? I almost always get friend-zoned. I’m still really great friends with some of my previous dates from a year back.
How do I avoid the friend-zone without coming off as a jerk?
Another issue for me is to transition from a harmless first date meeting to a relationship. I’m a decent conversationalist (and definitely a good listener) so I end up chatting with my dates about all sorts of experiences and hobbies but never go into deeper, intimate conversation.
I’ve always been the “nice” guy. I only recently realized that I talk a lot about work, music and day-to-day life during my dates so I’m working on changing that.
Here’s an extract of what I told him:
When she feels comfortable with you, slowly start bringing in little pieces of deeper conversation that hint that there might be a relationship.
The best way to do this is by QUESTIONS. You see, questions direct people’s focus and emotion. You can get people to focus on almost anything you want with the right questions.
This is very subtle. It should be a completely casual and playful chat. Nothing serious about it at all. You’re merely exploring the topic.
A simple question to start off your exploration might be:
“So what did you find interesting about me on Tinder that made you want to get to know me?”
This will get her thinking about your positives and make her remind herself of why she likes you – a GOOD thing!
And I’ll say it again because it’s important: these questions should be asked in a relaxed and playful kind of way – discussed with a sense of curiosity and fun like all of your first date conversation.
When she’s finished answering, answer the question yourself. Let her know what you found interesting about her and what made you want to get to know her.
A little later in the conversation you might take the conversation a little deeper:
“Based on what you know of me, why do you think we’d get on well together in a relationship?”
Again, this is getting her to slowly come around to the idea of the two of you being in a relationship. And it’s showing your intentions.
It’s diving to a deep level and getting her to imagine an appealing future together. With you.
Can you see how it’s gentle and not being forceful at all? How it’s not sleazy at all? It should be fun and interesting. Always. You should be smiling and having a good time through it all.
What you’ll be doing is planting the seed of a relationship (or helping the one that’s already there grow).
You’ll be getting her to visualize and associate you as an intimate relationship rather than a friend. Getting her to feel more comfortable and open about it.
Before you know it, you’ll have developed the deepest possible connection that you can with her.
Here’s the message he sent me a little while later:
Marcus! So here’s an update.
We went out and ended up spending more than 7 hours together! It was so much fun talking about all sorts of stuff. The night ended with a short but amazing kiss.
I’ve been talking with her every day since then and I’m so glad I met her.
Thanks for being such a supportive mentor.
The last I heard things are going very well for them – they’re five months into a great relationship and just recently returned from an overseas adventure together.
It goes to show that avoiding the friend-zone can be done simply (and gentlemanly) by asking the right questions.
The Secret Steps to Tinder Success
In the first section of this guide you learned the 7 ingredients to connecting deeply with women. This new skill is going to completely change the way women feel and act toward you.
But there’s more to it.
You see, if you don’t know how to “make the right moves,” then you’re still going to struggle to get dates consistently…. even if women like you.
Here’s a personal example of that…
A number of years ago I met this cute college girl named Olivia through an online dating site. Although we had never met up in person, we had been getting to know each other over email for three months.
During that time we sent each other 43 emails (I actually counted).
Then one night she sent me this weird text:
Her: How’s my favorite engineer doing?
It was weird because I wasn’t an engineer. She knew this because for the last three months we had mostly been talking about our jobs.
So I responded by texting her this:
Me: I think you’ve got the wrong guy, Olivia. I’m not an engineer.
She sent me a couple more texts that night but I ignored them.
The next day I woke up to this in my inbox:
So I’ve been talking to this guy named Marcus now for a few months, he’s intelligent, thoughtful, considerate, good looking and I can tell he’s adventurous and spontaneous and I think we have a lot in common. After months of asking about my life I neglected to ask him about his, then, when I realized this I asked him about his job as an engineer! When I knew he was a business analyst! How embarrassing! Now I think he has the wrong idea about me, that I’m selfish and work obsessed, and that’s not me at all. My friends and family are so important to me that I’m so busy making sure they’re ok that I don’t talk about myself much, it was just so nice to have someone genuinely interested in me and I took it for granted.If I’m being honest with myself I was scared, I didn’t know if I could trust the guy, I was still recovering from a broken heart and didn’t want to get too close in fear of the same thing happening. I didn’t want to come across as too enthusiastic and scare him away either, so I tried to be laid back and cool– but instead I came across as disconnected. What I didn’t see was that by asking me about my life he was telling me I could trust him.
I know if we got to meet up he’d see the bright bubbly girl I am. I want to ask him if we could meet up sometime but I think I blew my chance.
Thanks for listening, I just wanted a friend I could tell that to.
Even though I made the decision to ignore her, I was super-impressed with what she’d just said (especially the compliments!) so I started emailing her again.
That’s when she told me — again — that she wanted to go on a first date with me soon. She said we should:
Imagining us doing that made my heart pound hard in my chest.
That’s because at this time I’d never had a girlfriend in my life aside from high school. In fact, I’d never even been on a date before.
And even more embarrassing was this: A few months earlier I had moved to the other side of the country for work, but mainly so I could use online dating without being found out by people I knew.
Going on a date with Olivia was practically a dream come true for me. My first ever date! Maybe even my first girlfriend!
I told Olivia I was excited for our date and suggested a few ideas for our bike ride.
Two days later I received this email from her:
Sorry for late reply, a surprising turn of events this week which has occupied my mind.
These last few months have been very hard for me. I haven’t been myself, I’m not that positive bubbly person that I know so well.
Last week I met someone who is starting to change all that, he makes me feel alive again and I can’t express how genuine he has been with me and I with him. It’s still in the making but I feel confident enough to say I want to take a chance on him.
What I’m trying to say is that I’ve met someone.
I know we’re just talking on here but I thought it was something you should probably know. I’m not saying we can’t talk anymore but you must know that at this time I am not looking for a relationship, just friendship
That was the last I ever heard from her.
I Lost Her Because I Had NO CLUE
Here was a cute girl who told me she wanted to go on a date with me. Not once, but at least three times.
But because I had NO CLUE what moves to make, I lost her.
For three months I fooled myself into thinking that we had a connection and were “getting to know each other better.” The reality was I just didn’t know how to get her out on a date and progress things.
It’s no wonder she went off with another guy (who knew what moves to make)!
I used to be upset at Olivia for what happened. And upset with myself for losing her.
But now I smile.
That’s because once I discovered the easy steps to getting a woman out on a date I could see all the silly mistakes I made, and how far I’ve come.
I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as me. It took me years to find out, but it really can be easy to get women out on dates.
You just need to make the right steps on the “The Connection Ladder.”
The Connection Ladder
The goal of creating a meaningful connection is to keep moving your interaction up the ladder.
You start off as strangers talking on Tinder, then move to talking on the phone.
From talking on the phone you move to meeting in person.
Then during your first date, you don’t just settle and think you’ve made it. You move up again to a deeper and more meaningful connection.
The key here is that every step of the way you’re injecting more of the “human element” into your interaction.
Every step up the ladder makes trust, rapport, attraction, and desire grow.
Here are four powerful reasons why you need to keep moving up that ladder.
1. You can only explore your connection from the top of the ladder
Remember how Olivia and I exchanged 43 emails (4,320 words) over the course of three months?
By doing this I was dawdling at the bottom of the connection ladder the entire time. There was no human interaction at all. Not even a phone call.
After all of that emailing and texting spent “getting to know each other” we never even got anywhere near knowing each other. We never connected.
Olivia and I could have been perfect for each other. Or maybe just perfect enough for a fun one-month fling.
Or maybe our sexual chemistry was perfect enough for one passionate night together.
Or maybe we could have been absolutely terrible for each other.
Who knows? It doesn’t matter because we never explored our potential fully.
And that’s the point.
To fully explore a connection — to squeeze out every last drop of chemistry you can with a woman and explore your potential — you need to be playing at the top level every chance you get.
It’s very, very hard to create a strong connection, or explore one, at the bottom of the ladder.
You need to talk on the phone and then meet up. The sooner the better.
2. There’s less competition up high
There’s always more guys competing at the bottom of the ladder. It’s a frenzy down there.
You don’t really notice it though.
That’s because behind the Tinder screen the competition is invisible. It’s not like being at a bar and seeing five guys trying to talk to the same woman you like.
But the competition is there, and it might be 50 guys trying to talk to the same woman you like.
Here’s the good news though: each step you take up the ladder, the less of this competition you’ll have to deal with. Not just a little less competition, but a lot less.
And when you reach the top of the ladder there’s literally zero competition of any kind.
Well, for a while anyway.
That’s because when you’re consistently spending time high on the ladder a different kind of competition emerges. A good kind. The competition women have for YOU.
You see, because you’re making a positive human impact with every woman you interact with, you truly do become one of a kind.
As a result, you become the thing that people compete for. It’s a nice side effect.
3. The higher you go, the more success you have and the less effort it takes
Where you put your effort makes a big difference:
A five-minute phone call is more powerful than 50 messages on Tinder.
A one hour in-person meet up is often more powerful than 10 hours on the phone.
Creating a deep connection on a first date can be more powerful than a year of mediocre dating.
Where you choose to spend your time on the ladder makes a massive difference, much more than the time you spend on the ladder.
To put it simply, the more of the human element in your interactions, the more success you’re going to have, and the less time and effort you need to achieve it.
And sure, it still takes effort to consistently play at the top. But it’s a different kind of effort: one that is mindful, courageous, and FOCUSED.
That kind of effort is much, much easier in the long run compared to the alternative.
Grind it out at the bottom, or increase the human element and enjoy the rewards at the top. Your choice.
4. Momentum is magic
“I am suffocated and lost when I have not the bright feeling of progression” – Margaret Fuller
Momentum and making progress is seductive on its own.
If you and a woman are progressing, if it feels like you’re moving somewhere, then you’re both going to want to hang on for the ride.
But as soon as progression stops the magic fades.
Momentum is where the magic is.
As long as your interaction is progressing up the ladder in the right way then the woman’s interest will be there chasing you.
How Long Should You Talk to Women on Tinder?
To answer this question I’m going to tell you about a medical student named Caleb who was using Tinder after recently coming out of an eight-year relationship.
He wasn’t doing so well. When I asked him why, he said:
“I’m well out of the dating scene, plus I was never a ladies’ man to begin with.”
What a load of junk.
He was intelligent, kind, motivated, fun, and generous, not to mention a doctor in the making – of course women would want him.
It’s just that he never knew how to move up the ladder efficiently so he never fully realized his awesomeness.
He never gave himself the opportunity to share his gift.
His Tinder conversations showed his personality well, but they were bloated, often twenty messages long.
This meant things would fizzle out before he could make it to the next step with women.
So I got him to really focus on decreasing the amount of messages he was sending, while at the same time moving up the ladder. We made efficiency and progression a priority.
A little later I received this message from him:
Hi Marcus, just thought I’d give you an update. In the 10 days since we’ve last spoken I’ve set-up 3 dates.
I set a personal best today, from opener to digits in just 33 mins with a date set-up during that time.
I can’t believe my mind is actually telling me to try and beat it for the next one!
Thanks for the confidence boost mate :)
What was holding him back?
It wasn’t his personality. It wasn’t his looks. It had nothing to do with “not being a ladies man” like he felt.
The fact was, he was taking too long to move up the ladder. He was dawdling at the bottom.
The vast majority of guys are just like Caleb – my previous self included. They take far too long to move up the ladder or simply don’t know how.
Once they start moving up, suddenly they realize they are great guys who women truly want. All it took to realize it was giving themselves an opportunity to share their gift.
Speed (Efficiency) = Reliable Tinder Success
Here’s the deal: Even if a woman really, really, likes you and enjoys your Tinder conversation, there are still a lot of things that can take her away from you in the blink of an eye:
- She might feel disappointed with other guys on Tinder and delete her account all together.
- She might succumb to the busyness of life and get distracted from Tinder.
- She might go on a date with another guy – a guy who connects with her before you get the chance. Even though you’re the better option, he wins the race up the ladder so that’s who she goes with.
Any one of these things and many more can destroy your developing connection and have a woman disappear into thin air.
The scary part is you have no control over any of it happening.
That’s why it’s so important to have lean and efficient Tinder conversations. It’ll help you avoid the dangers until you make it up the ladder to a safe position.
Overcoming the Fear that Holds You Back
There are a number of fears that hold guys back from making the right moves and progressing with women. One of the most common is the fear of being pushy.
The fear of being pushy is debilitating because it can keep nice guys like you down the bottom of the ladder.
And it can keep your confidence down as well, which makes the fear even worse.
Here’s how it happens…
If things are going well with a woman on Tinder we might think about getting her number, but the fear of being pushy makes us squirm and turn soft.
We think and act in a way that says:
“I don’t want to be impolite. I don’t want to rush you. Let’s keep talking on Tinder.”
Before you know it the woman has disappeared. Now there’s no meetup, no amazing date, no passionate hookup, and no beautiful girlfriend.
The Fear of Being Pushy in Action
Here’s an example of what this fear does…
A guy showed me this conversation he had with a beautiful woman he really liked. They were talking about meeting up:
“Estimated time of arrival?” “Sounds perfect” — She’s interested in meeting up. Or at the very least she’s committed to exploring the opportunity of meeting up.
Here’s the perfect opportunity to keep the interaction moving upward. If this was you, you could say:
“Great. What’s your number so we can work something out”
If he said that they would have moved up the ladder and would have been one phone call away from an amazing first date or a passionate hookup.
But he turned weak-kneed because he didn’t want to be pushy.
By not moving off Tinder he basically told her “Let’s not create any momentum. Let’s stay on this bottom step.”
So that’s what they did. They kept talking and remained on the bottom step:
She stopped responding. She disappeared. Possibly forever.
His fear of being pushy made him lose a beautiful woman he really liked, and it also meant SHE missed out on his awesomeness.
The fear of being pushy results in hesitation and anxiety and procrastination and missed opportunities. It results in living your dating life on the very bottom step, barely making any progress.
The fear comes up when asking women for their phone numbers, asking women on a date, or anytime you have the opportunity to move up the ladder.
It’s completely unnecessary.
The good news is this: you can eliminate this fear instantly once you learn how to lead powerfully and be of service. This is what we’ll cover in the next chapter.
How to be a Nice Guy and Finish First
You’re a good guy with good intentions.
That shouldn’t hold you back.
That shouldn’t create fears and anxiety about making progress with women. Whether that’s getting their phone numbers, organizing dates, talking about flirty topics, hooking up, or moving into a relationship.
The fact is, being a nice polite guy is NOT a weakness in dating. It’s actually a massive strength.
Good intentions give you the ability to be unbelievably confident when it comes to moving up the ladder. Much, much more than a guy who doesn’t give a damn about what he says to women or about being pushy.
The trick is to channel those good intentions of yours into a new direction. The trick is to get away from thinking about being unhelpful, and instead share some of your awesomeness with women.
Do it in a way where you’re serving by leading and directing.
This is explained wonderfully by life and business coach Rich Litvin:
I’m directing the action as if you’re coming to a great auditorium and I’m standing outside and I ask, “Do you have your tickets?” “Yes.” “Okay, then please go into that line. Now, when you get into that line, you’ll go here, then inside, and then talk to the usher; he’ll seat you.”
When you think about Tinder and dating like this your entire mentality changes when it comes to progressing your interaction with women.
Suddenly, you don’t feel like you’re being pushy. There’s no putting pressure on her. You’re actually being of service, to both of you.
This is where your pure and effortless confidence can be found.
As a result, when you feel like it’s time to get her number or take her out there’s no fear or anxiety holding you back anymore.
That’s genuinely being of service and helping things progress, don’t you think? You’re helping her get what she wants, just as much as you’re getting what you want.
Most guys don’t see it like that.
But when you do see it like that (and now you do) it becomes impossible for you NOT to get a woman’s number, or ask her out, or kiss her, or ask her to stay the night.
How to Confidently Get a Woman’s Number on Tinder
Now let’s look at the structure of “The Ask” so you can confidently get a woman’s number on Tinder. It’s really easy.
To get a woman’s number on Tinder all you need to do is build a bridge.
You build it from where you are to where you both want to go (a first date).
This is done by saying something like:
“What’s your number so we can organize that first date of ours?”
You lead and serve by effectively saying, “Here we are. Over there’s where we both want to go. This is the step we need to take to get there.”
This isn’t asking (or pleading) for a number like most guys do. It’s helping.
Just like the man giving helpful directions in the auditorium, you serve by giving directions to your date.
The secret to success here comes from having earlier created a future by being FOCUSED with date-talk. As you remember, once the destination has been mapped in the future, then getting there becomes a lot easier.
As a result of this mapped future she wants to give her number to you.
She has a specific logical reason and a specific emotional reason to give her number to you – she wants to meet up with you like you’ve already spoken about.
That means it’s a non-decision for her – giving you her number is automatic. Isn’t that cool?
By building a bridge like this you’ll be genuinely helping her get to where she wants to go so you’ll always feel a sense of authentic confidence.
Can you see the difference when you’re getting a woman’s number like this?
It’s not being pushy. Or rude. Or desperate. Or rushed. Or overeager.
It is you helping. Really helping. Confidently and smoothly.
How Do I Keep Women Interested Over Text?
So you’ve had a great Tinder conversation and she gave you her phone number. Congratulations.
This is when most guys will ask me:
“How do I keep her interested over text?”
Here’s the thing: they ask this but it’s not really what they want to know.
You know why? Because no one cares about texting.
Think about it: do we want to text women or do we want to meet up with them?
Of course we want dates! We want to have hookups and pursue relationships and connect.
The real question here is not how to keep her interested over text, it is…
“How do I convert a phone number into a date?”
To do that, there’s one simple secret you need to know…
The Simple Secret to Converting a Phone Number into a Date
What’s the secret to converting a phone number into a date?
The secret is you and your voice.
It’s having a voice-to-voice conversation instead of texting.
The secret is doing what 97% of guys don’t do: calling women after getting their numbers.
That’s the secret. It has very little to do with texting. One simple phone call can solve this struggle for you instantly.
Pretty simple, huh!?
I Landed 4 Dates That Week
Here’s an example of how this can fix a guy’s problem instantly when it comes to turning phone numbers into dates:
The thing I really struggle with is after pulling a woman’s number. I try to maintain the conversation and keep it interesting, but I find that a lot of convos die down really quick. Texting has never been my strong suit.
I told him, “After you get a woman’s number from Tinder, one of the first things I want you to do is send her a simple text that lets her know that you’re going to call her later.”
And I provided him with an example, like this:
Can you see the service in a text like this? Can you see how this is efficiently moving the interaction up the ladder and being helpful? Can you see how this kind of leading and directing is appreciated?
I then told him to call the woman as he said he would, and mapped out how he could go about it, explaining that it only needs to be a short phone call – just a quick chat so they could work out the logistics of the date.
Not long after I gave him those instructions I received this email back:
First I just want to say your break down of the path you sent me is amazing. I landed 4 dates that week following your advice.
I appreciate your interest and advice, you really helped me out!
Calling a woman promptly after getting her number really is that powerful.
And the ironic thing is that once you stop worrying about texting women and call them instead, they will actually become more interested and text you a lot more.
The Post-Call Transformation
After you call a woman from Tinder, and after she has made a verbal commitment to going on a date with you — to a REAL LIVE HUMAN BEING on the phone (that’s you) — everything changes for the better.
There will be no more games, no more playing hard to get, and no more second-guessing each other.
That’s because speaking to a woman on the phone is like a “save point” in a computer game. The phone call safely banks all of the good work you’ve done on Tinder.
Hearing your voice will have made her feel more comfortable and trusting of you, and vice versa.
That means you can stop beating yourself up with worry. You can stop wondering:
- Does she even like me?
- Has she gone cold on me?
- Should I text her more to keep her interested?
- Does she think I’m being clingy?
- Is she going to flake/ghost on me and leave me hanging?
You can leave these worries behind, at the bottom of the ladder.
Instead, you can feel relaxed and confident about where things are at.
This is what you want! This is stress free and enjoyable dating! It’s what happens when you build a connection.
This simple approach of calling women after getting their numbers can truly transform your dating life.
The Blueprint for Tinder Success
Okay, here it is – the blueprint. The recipe. The formula. The step by step guide for quickly and deeply connecting with women from Tinder.
Step 1. Open the Tinder Conversation
This is where you create momentum and get the ball rolling.
Everything flows from the opener. When you capture her attention in the right way, it will make the rest of your conversation incredibly easy. Put in a little effort here and you’ll receive big dividends later.
- Most (95%) of women won’t message you first. YOU need to be the initiator and take action.
- Be unique. Saying “Hey,” “Hi,” or “What’s up” isn’t memorable and won’t create a connection.
- Create unique associations and links. Reference her profile and relate it to something that joins the two of you together.
- If possible, compliment her by referencing something unique and specific in her Tinder profile. Ideally something so unique that no one on Tinder has ever commented on before.
- Make her feel emotion. Happiness, anticipation, and suspense are good goals.
- If possible, create some mystery and unfinished business. You don’t have to “give it all away” in the first message. Let her enjoy some anticipation and suspense. This will help glue her attention to you.
- Your first message should help build the foundations of your united We/Us/Our story.
- To get some inspiration you can steal my personal list of Tinder openers by using my app – it has over 100 openers that will create fun and flirty We/Us/Our stories.
Step 2. Raise Date Talk
This is where you talk about your date which will create a destination (a Future) for the two of you. Best to do this as early as you can, within the first few Tinder messages.
Once you paint this destination into your minds it will magnetically drag you both there.
- You’re not asking her out and you’re not committing to anything. You’re just playfully exploring the topic and the possibility of meeting up. You’re having fun with it. This is where 90% of the flirting happens, and where 100% of the meaning is created.
- Find a way to segue to the topic of your date. Build a bridge from your current topic to the topic of your date. Build it anyway you can within the first few messages.
- Help her visualize the possibility of meeting up. Paint a picture so she can imagine the two of you together and piece the story together. Use clues from her profile to determine what kind of date/meet up she would like, then start creating your story.
Here are some ideas to help you create that future story and destination:
- What’s happening in your story? Are you eating? Having a few drinks? Beers or sharing a bottle of wine? Is it red or white wine? Are you dancing, laughing, flirting, or all three? Are you sharing embarrassing stories or creating stories about the decorations on the wall?
- What are you both feeling? Are you enjoying the Saturday morning sun over brunch? Are you relaxing to music? Are you eating so much pizza that you feel sick (in a good way)?
- Where is the story taking place? Are you at trendy wine bar, a tapas bar, a classy restaurant, a healthy café, your house, a museum, a dog park? Give the story a place to live and grow.
Pick one or two of these details to create an outline of your date and let her imagination do the rest.
- Once she’s commented on your date in a positive kind of way you’re good to go. This means you’ve connected with her as much as you can on Tinder! (Surprisingly, it takes very little to achieve this).
- You need to listen and look closely for signals that she’s connected to you. A guy who’s stuck in his own mind will miss these “I Like You” signals she’s giving away. If you’re really listening, if you’re really focused on her and her subtext, her come hither signals will be glaringly obvious to you.
Step 3. Get Her Number
After she has shown signs that she connected to Date Talk then it’s time for you to be of service.
By this stage giving you her number makes perfect sense to her. After all, she has a destination to reach with you! It’s an easy decision for her.
Remember: When you’re getting a woman’s number you’re not being pushy. You’re not asking for her number from a place of neediness. You’re really helping because the point of creating this connection is to share your awesomeness with her.
You’re directing from a place of meaning and purpose, and that is going to give you unbreakable confidence.
- After the woman has connected with date-talk, then get her number by “building a bridge.”
- Don’t get her Facebook. Don’t get her email. Don’t get any other social app details. These are all sideward or backward steps. You need to move forward. You’re getting her number because without it you can’t progress up the ladder to the most important part – calling her.
- All you need to say on Tinder is something along the lines of “What’s your number so we can work out our [Insert short description of your date]”.
- Once you get her number there’s no need to text endlessly. Let her know that you’ll call her later that night or the following nights. Once again, this is an opportunity for you to be of service. That includes being a leader and being efficient.
Step 4. Call Her and Really Start Connecting.
This is possibly the most important step to connecting with women from Tinder before a date. The human element of voice-to-voice conversation cannot be beaten.
- Plan to call her when she’s most likely to be free. Perhaps that time will be in the evening after work, or on a Sunday afternoon.
- No surprises – don’t call out of the blue. Make it known that you’re going to call by saying something like “I’ll call you tomorrow evening after work.” Then when the time comes, give her a heads-up text five to twenty minutes before you call.Once she replies you’re good to go. If she doesn’t reply don’t call her. Doing this means you’ll never have to worry about leaving a voice message – Phew!
- A thirty-minute phone call is great. So is a one hour-long call. But it really only needs to be five to ten minutes long. That’s it. All you need is just a quick chat to inject the human element and organize the logistics of your date.
- When it comes to organizing the details of your date you simply continue to direct and be of service. Like this:
“So for our date, when are you free? Thursday evening around 7 p.m. is perfect for me as well. How’s that new wine bar at such and such for you? That’s not too far away? Great. I’ll book a table for us there at seven.”
Directing like this really is helping.
Now you’ve reached the “save point” and put yourself high on the ladder above every other guy on Tinder. That means you don’t need to work hard to keep her interested.
This call is a process that’ll launch you into your date warm and readied, rather than cold and distant. Cold and distant is what happens when people only text before a date.
Step 6. Have an Amazing First Date/Meet up/Hookup
By the time you’ve met up in person you will have connected at a decent level. But you can do much better – now’s the time to really explore your connection and take it to a whole new level.
- Continue staying FOCUSED: Future. Openness. Commonality. Unity. Sharing. Emotion. Depth. Keep with it.
- It helps to agree with each other upfront, in a playful kind of way of course, that you’re going to keep the conversation to kind of topics you really want to talk about.
- Unpeel the conversational onion and get into deeper and more interesting conversation.
- Finish the date on a high-note so you leave a lasting impression that has her wanting more. Do this with a perfect goodbye routine.
Step 7. Build an Amazing Relationship (If you so choose)
Never stop working on your connection. Make it a priority and work on it together as a team. Stay FOCUSED together.
A Powerful Word-For-Word Tinder Script to Get a Date Right Now
Remember how momentum is magic when it comes to connection? Well, it works for everything in life. Especially transforming your dating life.
So let’s get going. Right now. Let’s create some momentum and get you connecting with a woman right away.
To help you do this I’m giving you a special gift.
It’s a powerful three-message Tinder script.
This routine will allow you to take action right now using the strategies in this guide.
It will give you a feeling for how powerful you can be when you stay FOCUSED.
Here it is in action:
Let’s break it down so you can see the template and use it for yourself.
Message #1: The Opener That’s Impossible to Ignore
This opener is unique and it catches a woman’s attention. But much more than that, it creates unfinished business. Remember how powerful mystery can be?
It makes her think:
- “What could he possibly want to know?”
- “Is he being serious or this some sort of joke?”
- “What am I an expert at?”
- “I’d love to help but what’s it all about?”
This mystery evokes suspense and anticipation which is a great attention grabber.
You’ve created an itch they just have to scratch and the only way to do that is to respond to you.
That’s why this opener has such a high response rate (one of the highest response rates you will ever get). It’s hard to ignore.
Once they reply you have momentum. Now we’re rolling!
Message #2: Raise Date Talk
Stage two is to instantly focus the spotlight on the future by painting a picture of meeting up. We do that in a playful and flirty kind of way.
As you can see, you’ll need to insert a lot of specific references into the template message. These references are very important – if you get them wrong the script will be less effective.
This also means that this script is only suitable for women who have a good amount of information in their profiles.
Here are all the references you need to add in to the template:
2. The “He’s talking about me!” Hint: Ideally, mention something so specific to her that she instantly realizes “He’s talking about me!” Perhaps her height or the kind of pet she has. If possible, merge this with the compliment so you’re doing both things at once.
3. The Two Date Options: You describe two alternatives for her to choose from:
- A date that would be okay, but probably not ideal for a first date, and
- A date that you think she’d be interested in for a first date.
- hiking vs wine bar
- classy restaurant vs relaxed rooftop bar
You want one of the options to clearly stand out as the best choice so it makes it easier for her to make a decision and reply.
And along with each date option you include a brief reason why the suggestion is suited to her:
4. The “In case that matters” Reference: This is another opportunity to reference her profile and make it highly personal. A good choice here is to use some information from her profile about her job or where she went to college or where she’s lived previously.
5. The Intelligence/Decision Making Reference: Here you put in another reference from her profile, this time making it relate to her being intelligent or making good decisions.
Keep in mind that although this script is flexible and appeals broadly, it won’t work every time. After all, every woman is different with different tastes.
With that said, if you pick the right women to send it to and then insert the right references you will have a good experience.
Message #3: Build the Bridge
Because your conversation is so FOCUSED, the woman’s response to message #2 will usually set you up to get her number. So then you simply lead and direct helpfully by getting her number with the bridge-building technique.
So make the first step.
Send that opener a woman on your list right now.
Use this routine to create momentum and to experience the power of what you’ve learned in this Tinder guide.
These principles can transform your dating life, not to mention the lives of every woman you share your awesomeness with. So use that template to help you kick-start your transformation!
This is Your Opportunity
We are living in an incredible time with literally millions of amazing women just one swipe away.
Imagine it: millions of dates, hookups, and girlfriends are out there waiting for you right now. The opportunity you have is truly unbelievable.
The guys who can create meaningful connections are the ones grasping this opportunity. They’re standing out from the competition and thriving. They’re doing less and getting rewarded much more.
Guys who don’t know how to connect in today’s hypercompetitive world are missing out. Pinning their hopes on chance, they’re falling further and further behind every day.
As the dating world becomes even more competitive and technology-driven the gap between these two groups is only going to get bigger.
The good news is it’s possible for you to change from one group to the other almost instantly. Your entire life can change in an instant.
I’ve made the leap myself, and I’ve had the incredible privilege of coaching many clients over the years do the same. I’ve had a front-row seat to the miraculous transformation that comes from learning how to connect deeply in the modern dating world.
It’s a transformation that makes all parts of life shine brighter.
Now it’s your turn. It’s your turn to be great and have the dating life you deserve. Your opportunity is now.
And I really hope you do take it with both hands, because there are women out there that would really love to have you and your awesomeness in their life.
Table of Contents
- 1 The 5 “Miracles” of Connection
- 2 The 7 Ingredients of Deep Connection (and Attraction)
- 3 Map Your Future
- 4 Date-Talk
- 5 Conquer Elevator Moments
- 6 How to Make Women Like You More
- 7 How to Flirt and Tease on Tinder
- 8 He’s nice. But I’m not interested.
- 9 How to Get Any Date, Hookup, or Relationship You’ll Ever Want
- 10 The “Obama Technique” That Will Make People Like You More
- 11 Secret Connection Codewords
- 12 The Little Island Game
- 13 Start Sharing
- 14 The Gift of Giving Your Awesomeness
- 15 The Simple Gift That Will Make Women Like You More
- 16 Your Job Is to Make Her Feel
- 17 Strike the Heart
- 18 Creating Emotion on Tinder Using Mystery
- 19 Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
- 20 To Fall In Love on a Tinder First Date, Do This…
- 21 How do I Avoid the Friend-Zone Without Coming Off as a Jerk?
- 22 The Secret Steps to Tinder Success
- 23 The Connection Ladder
- 24 How Long Should You Talk to Women on Tinder?
- 25 Speed (Efficiency) = Reliable Tinder Success
- 26 Overcoming the Fear that Holds You Back
- 27 How to be a Nice Guy and Finish First
- 28 How to Confidently Get a Woman’s Number on Tinder
- 29 How Do I Keep Women Interested Over Text?
- 30 The Simple Secret to Converting a Phone Number into a Date
- 31 The Post-Call Transformation
- 32 The Blueprint for Tinder Success
- 33 A Powerful Word-For-Word Tinder Script to Get a Date Right Now
- 34 This is Your Opportunity